dirts.

I love him, without a doubt. I used to know why, but I don't anymore. It's sad. It could be the fact that we've spent years building our lives around each other. Maybe things have changed or we've changed or our issues weren't dealt with properly and it built up; blowing the issues bigger, making it even more complicated.

It's hard to let go. After 5-6 years of being so comfortable with each other, it comes to a point where comfort, fun, laughters and family are not enough to make this work. We've shared really good times and we love(d) each other so much. We both don't realise that we're facing bigger issues that we've repeatedly tried to solve/avoid.
Either ways, our relationship might end up being beyond salvation.

On issues of trust, I see no other way if he isn't willing to really, really work on it with me. The fact that he was the one who abused and lost my complete trust in him made it harder. I'm not saying I'm an angel but too many times, when I put in all my efforts, he left me again,along with his half-hearted combined effort. He's been demanding trust in me, and was doing all the wrong things for it, just as I was. I used to loathe not trusting him over small stupidest things. I felt pathetic, miserable, paranoid. I was miserable cause I didn't want to hurt him. He's always saying that we're young, we should enjoy now. Go out with anyone we want then why do you want to try? I don't want to waste my time anymore, for real. My heart can only take so much. As much as I wanted to trust him, I couldn't do it alone. I have my ego to not force myself to work on it alone. That'll mean I'll be paying for his dumbass mistakes and the possibility of my resentment towards him in the future. Again, complications.

Constantly giving me empty promises made the trust issues between us worse even before it healed. He made it impossible for me to build on life. I can't be with someone who adds on the empty promises that I'm willing to work so hard on. I'm not asking for much, even if he can't, a bit of promise would help or don't even make those promises. I forgave him for all his empty pathetic promises, but for him to say that I was the reason he broke the promises showed that he wasn't even sure of what he promised. He's too used to blaming it on me. I'm incapable of giving him too many broken chances. I'm exhausted, tired and miserable. I'm so scared his words might just come as meaningless to me.

And being vengeful wasn't going anywhere. You have(d) your share of girls and I had my share of boys and fun. If you're still holding onto those share, making sure they're still there and you know entertaining them the whole time just to be vengeful to me, what's the point then? I never took revenge for what you did to me. I just wanted to stay away. Not be victimised by all your funnyfunny rollercoaster emotions. I admit. I've been out with a few guys and I like them. Not in that way, but I like them. They overreact maybe because I don't emphasize enough that I'm not ready for that kind of relationship, or too fucked to be in one. Or I'm still madly in love with someone else for reasons that I thought I'd know.

And I'm special, in my kind of way. I think everyone is. But I'm never good enough, I'm too simple, I'm never fun enough, I'm never impressive enough compared to his many many friends even after years, and I'm disappointed. I'm the will-never-be girl. He probably believes that in his heart he really loves me, we'd get married, our family wants us to be together. My parents love him and his parents, well I don't know. I don't know if he really knows what he wants, and much less would I. I don't think he loves the "idea of me". I'm probably just one of the nice people to hang out with. And friends, we all have our own friends. But it's nicer if we'd know who each other's friends are so no complications/ feeling would arise, am i right? I mean yea, we all need our privacy. But they're limits to eveything. If I don't know, you tell me. And if you don't know, I'll be more than happy to tell you. And stop making judgements about me having random guy's numbers or a friend of a friend's. It's the same for you. I'm sure you're not friends with them unless you got to know them from somewhere. So stop making it look as if I'm the only one who's the only devil who's done that.

Thing is, I don't blame him for all this complications. I'm working hard on it now. It's just sad cause I'm struggling and I'm scared it'll become a situation where I've tried everything to make it work, but it just won't happen.

As for me, I'm taking each day as it comes, with the more important things in mind - work,school,getting my licenses. It's selfish, but it's the only way that I'll ever know if he'd want it as much as I do. So far, I'm holding up. A lot of people have asked me about us, but honestly I don't know. I don't know what's going to happen. And I'm preparing myself to even lose him forever too. I also know that one day, I might forget the anger, the pain, why I ever loved him the way I did and the countless disappointments, but all I can do is just stay strong. Insyallah.

I know what I've written can never,ever show how much we both mean to each other or even justify our love, but one day I hope to be able to pen down all the times we both had our world revolved around each other, how proud we were when people knew we had each other's back, how I had his heart and he had mine and how we cherished it.
Maybe one day, it'll all get better.